Off My Train!

In "GET OFF MY TRAIN !", You lucky
few will get never before seen insight
into my rage. People, there are times
when I have actually prayed to the holy
father to grant me the power of the
mighty Nicholi Volkof, so that I could
wreck havoc upon the objects that fuel
my anger. Normally, it is people who
are fanning the flames of the hate that
keep me oh so warm at night. You know
them...open mouth chewers; people at
work who take the last cup of coffee
and leave a burnt little puddle at the
bottom of the pot; people holding up
the checkout line because "the sign
said Land o' Lakes butter was on sale
but the register said...". But on
occasion I have taken a chainsaw to
bees, shouted slurs at household
products, and literally attempted to
punch foul weather. What drives a man
to such bizarre and desperate acts?
Find out here.

The only thing I despise about the movies more than the
crap being funneled out of Hollywood are the slothful,
gluttonous, mouth-breathers on the snack line waiting to
purchase mountains of sweets to loudly gobble
throughout the feature!

Dentistry. A once noble career that has become
synonymous with carpet-bagging and snake-oil sales.
We'll take a look at this disgraced field and figure out
how they've gone from "doctor" to "divorce lawyer"
standing, in society's eyes.

The mini-van: Conveyance of the perpetually pregnant
and their sticky brood. Why do I despise the hideous
mini-van and all who dwell within them? A very good
question, and one that will be answered here.

An article that asks: why do I always buy things I see in
infommercials, why are the products utter crap, and why
is plastic-man so gay? We'll examine the uselessness of
these "must have products" while embarrassing myself
along the way. Hey, at least I never bought the Flobee.

When will man wake up and realize that there are
problems bigger than our petty squabbles over territory,
religion, and riches? The Bucket knows a real threat
when it sees it and we'll try to open the world's eyes with
a scathing editorial about the simian menace!

The tip jar. Is it a convenient way to leave a well
deserved gratuity? Or a disgusting tool that will lead us
to socialist ruin? The Bucket will set you straight on this
hot issue! Let me grab your bags and show you to the
article!

Real Estate agents. Sick and tired of unloading
tangible money-pits, they have now taken to cutting
you a "deal of a lifetime" that "won't last long" on other
planets and satellites. Looking for a bungalow get-away
on Hailey's comet? Read this.

Gone are the days of smothering plastic masks and
smocks. Children of today get to choose from detailed,
comfortable costumes based on pop culture. But are
they really better than the costumes from the 80's? Slap
on some reflective tape and grab your pumpkin pail,
we're going Trick-or-treating!